Dear Freakgirl,
I have a manners issue that I would like you to weigh in on.
I live in greater-greater NYC, but two of my closest friends and their significant others live in Philadelphia. We tend to visit Philly 2 or 3 times a year to catch up with these two couples.
We always stay with couple X, with whom we’ve been friends with since college. Couple Y, consisting of my best friend from high school and her husband, have a dog, and allergy issues mean we never stay there.
Couple X is lovely, and we shared a house with them for a year after college, so we’re very comfortable sharing a space. That said, we’re going to go to Philly for a weekend in June for a big party that Couple X is having and we want…to stay in a hotel.
Main reasons are thus:
- The guest futon they have is really rather uncomfortable.
- Their apartment is in a busy part of the city and is kind of loud for us prissy smaller town folk.
- It can be awkward to have to be “Oh, excuse us Couple X, we’re going to go visit Couple Y now” (we do all hang out sometimes, but they don’t know each other well so we don’t force it).
- It can be nice to have some privacy at the end of a day visiting a lot of people.
Now, I realize these are all wholly our issues. I mean, they don’t owe us a comfy bed, a quiet apartment, or anything. They’ve been incredibly gracious giving us free lodging all these times.
I just want to be able to tell them we’re going to stay in a hotel without hurting their feelings, and I really don’t know how. The truth makes us seem petty and prima-donna-y. I can’t come up with a good white lie that won’t make them feel rejected. That said, we have the means to pay for the hotel and I think we’ll enjoy ourselves more if we do that. I also do realize that we are not the be all and end all and they may be glad to have their place to themselves–I just still imagine, knowing them, that there will be a twinge of “why?”
How can we do this gracefully?
Regards,
Sheepishly Sleepless when in Southeastern PA
Dear Sheepishly Sleepless (try saying that five times fast),
You’ve really answered your own question, you know that, yes? “We have the means to pay for the hotel and I think we’ll enjoy ourselves more if we do that.” It’s the truth and it’s what you should tell your friends. Obviously you can leave out the part about enjoying yourselves more, but there’s not reason not to think that everyone may enjoy themselves more if you stay at a hotel.
You’re also smart enough to understand that your friends most likely will not throw themselves off a cliff after finding out that you will not be gracing them with your 24-7 presence for the entire weekend. Good for you. Although having houseguests is great fun, it is also a lot of work! Perhaps your friends will appreciate not having to clean up after your nasty asses all weekend.
I kid.
In terms of how to frame this, Freakgirl thinks that straight-up honesty is the best way. And do make sure that you tell them in advance, so that they are not out purchasing new bedding or painting the guest bathroom or cooking gourmet meals in preparation for your visit. There are a few ways to soften the blow, though. After telling your friends you’ve decided to stay in a hotel for your visit, you can simply mention some things like, “we want to treat ourselves,” “we don’t want to be in the way while you get ready for your party,” “we are in dire need of some alone time,” etc. Of course, don’t go making fifty excuses, because then they really WILL think you hate them. And for what it’s worth, you don’t owe anybody anything.
And do stress to them that you will be available to help them out before/after the party, if that is what you usually do when you stay there. Be gracious guests and remember to bring a gift if you will be having dinner at their home.
We once had visitors from out of the country who came to attend our annual party and, for one night, they decided to stay at a hotel in order to be able to get the rest they needed away from our chaotic, all-night drunk-fest. I wasn’t insulted in the least. I enjoy when people make decisions that are best for THEM, instead of worrying about perceived insults. You’re on vacation. Be selfish. Get room service. Eat from the mini-bar. Sleep in. Have a great time!
We’ll Leave the Light On For You,
freakgirl
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