My ankle is still not healed, but that didn’t stop my derby sisters from putting me on the bout poster for this Saturday!! This is my new team (Corporal Punishers) versus my old team (Hellrazors). Should be a great matchup.
Hey, I’m still here. Just wanted to check in real quick. According to x-rays, my break/fracture is 75% healed. I’m down to one crutch, and I went back to work this week. It’s exhausting and when I come home each night, I’m in some pain. But it’s all part of the process. I probably won’t be skating until late summer, but I really won’t know until I start physical therapy. I should find out when PT starts after my next visit to the ortho in a few weeks.
My roller derby team’s home opener is on April 20th. If you’re local, come by. Here are the deets. I’m really excited about the junior roller derby bout at halftime!!
Hey, all. I’m still on crutches. Feeling better but still having a lot of pain at night. It’s screwing with my sleep schedule to the point where sometimes I don’t sleep at all. I have another doctor appointment next week to check on my healing. At my last appointment he told me I might be skating again by summer but probably not “competitively,” meaning probably no contact. I guess we’ll see how it goes. It feels like forever.
I’ve been working at home and taking it easy. Every few days I kind of go insane and have a little bit of a breakdown. I can’t really go anywhere unless I’m with someone else, or unless I go somewhere where I can park right in front of the building and I don’t have to carry anything in or out. Which limits my options tremendously. Feeling helpless is not something I do well.
Last week I hauled my broken body to an open scrimmage at our rink so I could be social and enjoy some derby. It was really nice to see everyone and I love watching the game, but it was also bittersweet. I wanted so badly to be out there playing, even though there were so many talented women there, they would have kicked my ass! I don’t care, I just want to be part of it. But just watching helps me learn, and I was able to answer some questions for some newer girls who were also on the sidelines.
My parents are doing so much for me, it’s ridiculous. There’s no way to thank them enough. And Long Legs is my little buddy now that I’m home constantly. We have a routine and we hang, and his little heart will break once I am able to go back to the office, I fear.
Not much else is new, obviously. Since I’m home ALL THE TIME, I’ve been working my way through good old Melrose Place on Netflix. Wow, I forgot what a shitshow it turned into in the later seasons. Yikes. I may have to jump ship soon and move on to American Horror Story Season 1.
Oh! Here is my roller derby photo for 2013:
Might as well have fun with it, right? I hope I’m not coming across as too whiny. I’m thankful I didn’t need surgery, I’m thankful my injury wasn’t worse. And hey — my headaches are way better since I started taking magnesium supplements! I guess the universe likes to keep me balanced, ha ha.
Well, it turns out my ankle isn’t just sprained — it’s fractured. And because I’m awesome, I fractured it in such a way that the doctor just can’t boot it or cast it. I need to stay off it for six more weeks. Crutches and a soft cast for me. Being nearly immobile is driving me batshit. I’m still in considerable pain and the doc wants me resting (on my back, foot raised) as much as possible. Obviously work makes this very difficult, but I can work at home and take breaks. I don’t really have a choice.
Hoping once the pain abates, I can try driving, since the injury is to my left ankle and I have an automatic. And find someone to go with me everywhere to help me carry things :)
I can’t even think about skating right now. It makes me too sad.
My return to roller derby has not progressed the way I had hoped. A bad case of bronchitis caused me to miss two practices, then a snowstorm closed the rink this past Friday. I was practically out of my mind with excitement to get back to practice on Sunday. I got there early to suit up. Even though I was still suffering from the after-effects of my bronchitis, I knew to do just what I could and not push it too hard. I just wanted to be on skates again.
I did my warm up laps, worked on a few stops, and then we did a partner paceline. No problems. After that we did some fast footwork that actually caused me to have an asthma attack. Boo. But I got through it and jumped back in for the next drill, which was a one-on-one jammer/blocker drill.
After about my fifth time through the drill, I lost my balance at the end and took a fall. And I couldn’t get up. I had rolled my ankle and holy shit it hurt. I tried to get up but realized I couldn’t put any weight on it at all. One of the refs came over and said, “Yeah, I saw you fall and your ankle went all weird.”
I figured I’d just ice it for a while and then go home. Long story short, I ended up the ER because the pain was just unbearable. Once I took my sock off, my ankle looked like a baseball! After x-rays, they determined it’s just a bad sprain. I’m thankful it’s not broken but man, this is some serious pain. I have no painkillers and I just can’t escape it. I didn’t sleep last night. And every time I think about the time I will have to spend away from derby — after just coming back! — to heal, I get all weepy and upset. But of course I’ll go back. My derby family is so good to me. My teammate River Slam and one of our refs, Andy, accompanied me to the ER and then my teammate Kim drove over when she found out I was there. They stayed with me until my mom got there and kept me laughing. This sport owns my heart, even though it’s trying to destroy my body.
So, I gave it some thought and realized I missed roller derby too much. Five months away gave me some rest and hopefully a little bit of clarity.
I decided to go back to the team, for fun and for exercise. To do what I can and try not to beat myself up over the things I can’t. And to stay removed from the sort of bullshit (and people) that drove me away in the first place.
Last night was my first practice back. It was a mixed bag for me. I had some trouble with a couple of drills but nothing terrible. I did have to drop from a paceline (it was going at a pretty good speed) relatively quickly, but I kept skating with some others around the outside instead at a pace that I could manage but still feel like I was working. My asthma acted up a bit, and I’m finding that I get some crazy piercing short-term headaches during high physical exertion (if you follow me on FB or Twitter, you know I have a big problem with headaches lately). One was so bad that I had to stop for a few minutes to get some air and splash water on my face. After that I went right back in.
We did a quick few jams at the end of practice. Praise to the high heavens that the 2013 WFTDA rules have done away with the fucking knee start!
It was great to meet the newer skaters, latest batch of freshies, and see the progress everyone’s made since I’ve been gone. We’ve lost a lot of skaters to injury, transfers and leaves of absence, which makes me really sad. But I guess life goes on.
I’m a little sore today from taking a few tumbles and hits last night, and I have another practice again tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes…
Photo Credit: Sean Hale/Hale Yeah
Just a quick note to wish you a happy holiday. I’ve spent the past week feverishly wrapping gifts and baking cookies. Last night I made a cake that I certainly hope tastes as amazing as it looks.
It’s a burnt sugar bundt cake with rum caramel frosting, topped with burnt sugar shards, from the BAKED cookbook.
I’ve been keeping my anxiety at bay with medication, although I had a breakthrough panic attack at the grocery store yesterday, which was not pleasant. Managed to keep my shit together until I got to the car. I’m off work until after the New Year, and am hoping to get in some relaxation and have made some plans to catch up with some friends I haven’t seen in a while.
This past Friday I put on my skates for the first time in a while and skated in an open scrimmage. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of talent that showed up and was extremely intimidated. However, I held my own and — for someone that hadn’t played derby since late summer — I think I did okay. I made some screw-ups for sure, but I also felt the opposing jammer slam into my back several times, so I know my blocking is still up to par when I am working, listening and responding. My asthma still makes it difficult and my brain didn’t feel as sharp as it should have been. However, it felt like home and the next day I felt quite sad that I don’t play anymore.
Today is Christmas Eve and later I am headed to my folks to celebrate with family friends — lots of fattening food and spirits. I’m psyched with all the gifts I chose this year and hope everyone is happy with them.
Thank you to all of you, once again, for being my rocks this year, my steadfast support and cheerleaders. Although I don’t blog as much as I used to, we’re all still a weird little family here at freakgirl.com, and I wish you all a wonderful 2013.
And, just like that, the depression has crept up on me and attached itself like a monkey to my back. It started with a series of small anxiety attacks over the past week or so — manageable. Then, it worked up over the past few days to constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach, small unstoppable squirts of tears and then the shocking one-two punch of doubled-over, overwhelming grief. I’m typing these words with tears running down my face and writing these words is the only thing stopping me from losing my shit completely. I’ve been sobbing on and off for several days. Everything is setting me off. My job stress has become overwhelming. I feel like I’m being asked to do unreasonable amounts of work, work resulting from the fuckups of other people. I don’t feel that my new boss is advocating for me in any way. I feel alone and confused. I’m working my ass off and it just keeps coming. And it’s because others aren’t doing their jobs correctly. Sorry, too much venting.
And even giving myself a break during the holidays — it’s still difficult. Still things to do, still so much happiness to watch on television, online, all around me. All reminders that, at the end of the day, I am alone. Listen, I don’t need a man in my life to define me or my well-being, but I do want a partner. And it is so hard not having one. Especially at this age. I just feel like I’m floating along waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
This time of year, old hurts resurface, the happiness of others is sometimes too much to bear, and the depression senses your weakness and grabs you by the neck and shakes you until you fall, limp, to the ground. I realize now that this is my life…every few months this is going to happen to me. It isn’t easy to go through alone, but I would never ask someone to have to go through it with me. So I am still figuring everything out. Living with this, this THING…I never invited it, but here it is. I guess I have to make room for it.