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Stories From the Inside of My Head, Pt. 6

(these are excerpts from my journal as I work my
way through treatment for clinical depression)

9/6/11

Today I’m in a Communication class. As the therapist goes over tips for good communication, I see that — at the end of my marriage — my husband (and me, to some extent) failed at every one. I want to cry, and the tears start slipping out. Here are the tips she mentions:

• Don’t let hurts/problems build
• Use skills to head off problems
• End hopeless relationships
• Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

I start to wonder how things would have been different had he communicated his issues to me more. Then I realize I can’t get caught up in some stupid game of “what if.” What’s done is done. But it still hurts. Wow. That was a tough one. Next we move on to passive and aggressive behavior (not passive-aggressive). We choose passive behavior to keep ourselves safe. Usually, we end up feeling used and resentful. We choose aggressive behavior to maintain control. Aggressive behavior doesn’t necessarily mean violent, although it certainly can include that. We take a little self-test to see if we have mostly passive or mostly aggressive behaviors. I come out nearly 50/50. My passive behaviors come from a place of wanting security, which is pretty obvious. But I see that my aggressive behaviors come from fear of losing someone, even if that someone is undeserving of me in the first place. To me, losing someone means I’m worthless. It always comes back to this. I must BREAK THIS THOUGHT.

9/7/11

Now we’re getting into the nitty gritty, dirty, I-don’t-want-to-think-about-this-shit part of therapy. Today I’m in Trauma class, and we’re talking about our childhoods. One thing that keeps coming up in our small group is the issue of control. We all agree that when we can’t control the outcome of something, we end up feeling shame — like we are small and young again, with that thought, “If only I can control all this, nothing bad will ever happen.”

We talk about regret. Shame. Forgiveness. That you must forgive yourself for feeling shame. We end the class with a centering meditation that helps us all from wobbling out of there on unsteady legs.

9/21/11

I have more to write about Trauma, but for now I’m just going to share some words I jotted down yesterday while I was feeling quite down.

Today

I am tired of being in pain, mental anguish, fear of getting worse, fear of getting better.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know that anyone outside of this room knows what it was like inside my head.

It was terrifying being in there.

My brain was lying to me, telling me things like I wasn’t good enough to…be.

I wish many things, but never would I wish this on anyone.