Hey guys. I received an interesting email last night. I don’t have time this week to do a whole “Ask Freakgirl,” so I thought I’d open up this letter to comments.
Hi Freakgirl,
I’m a long-time reader, first time emailer, in search of an opinion that might help me.
One of my favourite elements of your writing style is that it expresses your own views. Because of the upfront and honest attitude reflected in your writing, it is clear to me that you are a believer in defining yourself in your own way (as opposed to by the views of others). This is a concept that I haven’t been able to grasp. I know that I shouldn’t care what others think of me, but I feel that I’m trapped in this mentality. I have been told countless times many reasons why I shouldn’t let the opinions of others reflect my decisions, and I do see the merits of this way of thinking. Still, I haven’t been able to understand it enough to implement it in my own life.
I am awfully exhausted from trying to impress everyone and changing myself to avoid being hated. People-pleasing is hard. I do it every day, in little ways and in big ways. I feel like a chameleon, almost. I do it to everyone short of immediate family members and my fiancé. I think that, perhaps, hearing a really good argument for this might change my view on it. If you (or your readers) have any good arguments, I would love to hear them.
Thanks for reading. I feel a bit better already.
Aw, you guys, this letter makes me sad. I’ll say this — if you feel like a chameleon when dealing with the people in your life, UR DOING IT WRONG. If you’re afraid people will hate you if you’re not yourself, you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Ask yourself this — Do YOU know who you are? If you can’t answer that question, then that’s where you need to start.
FreakNation? What say you?
Related posts:
Freakgirl is a
7 Responses
Stay in touch with the conversation, subscribe to the RSS feed for comments on this post.
I know I’ve mellowed with this as I’ve gotten older. I’m in a work position currently where I know I’m better equiped to handle it now than if it were 10 years ago. I’m essentially an office manager, and years ago would’ve been trying hard to make sure everyone liked me, whereas now I hope they do, but if they don’t, I’m not losing sleep over it. I do what I can to keep everyone happy around here and keep this place running, but no one is going to write me out of their will if I go nuts.
I’m 35, and am married with 2 small kids, juggling full time work and I just don’t have time to add any additional stress into my life.
Also, what’s most important, is no one is probably really thinking about me too hard.
Oh, Rona, I think about you all the time.
You make a great point, though. It’s not easy to come to terms with this, but those of us who worry so much about what other people think of us? Those other people aren’t really thinking about us all that much.
I think it’s about balance. While I have learned to adopt the attitude that it’s always better to be myself and f**k anyone that has a problem with that, there is always a certain element of putting on different “faces” depending on where I am and who I’m with. I wouldn’t quite call it chameleon, but it’s similar. For instance, if I’m hosting a fundraiser, then I’m going to be totally more outgoing and schmoozy than I would normally prefer to be. If I’m at work, I might hold back just a little or not at all, depending on which coworkers I’m dealing with because there is always some element of politicking in a workplace. If I’m at a meeting, when normally with friends I might just say whatever is on my mind as bluntly as possible, I’ll be more diplomatic and give my words more thought. And I am a totally different person in job interviews. I don’t know what it is about that kind of high pressure situation, but I can totally turn it ON. I give really good interview. But I’m still me in all of those situations and I’m not necessarily trying to please everyone, because that’s impossible, but depending on the situation, I think it’s totally normal to put on a slightly different “face.” I think as long as you stay true to yourself and your values and stand up for yourself and others when it’s called for, it’s perfectly fine to be a little politician-like in the way that you deal with different people.
Also, a really comforting revelation to me has been that if someone has a problem with me, it’s probably just THEIR problem (unless I have done some action that was wrong on my part to create the problem). Just like if I have a problem with someone, I try to remind myself that ultimately, the root of the problem lies with ME and I have the power to change the way I behave and think about it. Conversely, you don’t have any power over how others think or feel, so why bother trying to control it? In the end, they’re going to respect you more for being genuine than they would for being fake. Ultimately, it’s about what works for you, what you can live with. If the changes you’re making for others are making you feel bad about yourself, then stop doing it. Because the only opinion about you that matters is your own.
Again, I agree. It’s normal to put on a slightly different “face” to adapt to different situations. It’s not so good to completely transform your personality.
You will laugh, but this sort of situation always reminds me of the part in that terrible movie “Runaway Bride” where Richard Gere asks everyone that Julia Roberts was engaged to how she likes her eggs. And they all say the same thing — “Exactly how I like mine.”
I find myself distrustful of people (and I see this a lot when people start dating) who suddenly abandon everything they are about and take on all their boyfriend’s likes, dislikes and opinions.
Really, you just need to know how you like your eggs.
TOTALLY! It drives me nuts when women who never liked sports start dating a guy and suddenly they are ALL ABOUT sports, all the time. I think the hardest thing for me in discovering who I was and really coming into myself was not figuring out what I didn’t like, but what I did like. After my first year of college, after getting out of a very painful relationship, I found myself alone in an new city. And for the first time, I was able to get out there and figure out what interested me, who I was and what I liked. As difficult as the years leading up to it may have been and as hard as it was to be alone for almost 3 years, I am so thankful for all that time I had to figure myself out, in a crucial part of my adult development. So, another thing I’d advise this person on is that if you aren’t sure who you are and what you’re like, just be alone for awhile. You’ll figure it out.
Partly agree with Heather, because I know women who were alone for a while, but still totally changed when a new man arrived, so it won’t always work.
But you need to have a slightly different face, if you want to survive in the corporate world. I hate that, but it’s necessary. Just not that different from the real you. Some people at work can see me livid. With others I’ll stay polite and I’ll scream about/to them behind closed doors. It just depends. But it won’t be a totally different Marjon, from who I truly am. At least I think not. I don’t have the ability to be a chameleon, so I never had this problem. My face will always tell you what I think. Always.
I’d also say a therapist can help with the conversation. Go in and ask “I want to be more me” and you can explore the times when you feel like you are and when you don’t – and why that happens. Saying it (or writing it) puts a focus on it – and I’ve learned that your thoughts are not always right and not always true, especially if you tend to beat yourself up a lot.
You may find yourself discovering things you can discard, things that may have once worked for you in relationships, but no longer do now – like an old leaf blowing off a tree. Doesn’t have to be painful, and doesn’t have to be about anyone else. Having someone who can help guide the conversation is very, very useful if alone doesn’t do it.
I don’t think that it is the same as work/home. Work is work, and is not a safe place to expose yourself emotionally. You by definition have to fit in or “work it” to succeed. Very different in real life, with real people who matter to you emotionally. Lucky for me, I’ve met many of those important people through work, but we certainly don’t have “work relationships” anymore!