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….And, We’re Back

And, just like that, the depression has crept up on me and attached itself like a monkey to my back. It started with a series of small anxiety attacks over the past week or so — manageable. Then, it worked up over the past few days to constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach, small unstoppable squirts of tears and then the shocking one-two punch of doubled-over, overwhelming grief. I’m typing these words with tears running down my face and writing these words is the only thing stopping me from losing my shit completely. I’ve been sobbing on and off for several days. Everything is setting me off. My job stress has become overwhelming. I feel like I’m being asked to do unreasonable amounts of work, work resulting from the fuckups of other people. I don’t feel that my new boss is advocating for me in any way. I feel alone and confused. I’m working my ass off and it just keeps coming. And it’s because others aren’t doing their jobs correctly. Sorry, too much venting.

And even giving myself a break during the holidays — it’s still difficult. Still things to do, still so much happiness to watch on television, online, all around me. All reminders that, at the end of the day, I am alone. Listen, I don’t need a man in my life to define me or my well-being, but I do want a partner. And it is so hard not having one. Especially at this age. I just feel like I’m floating along waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

This time of year, old hurts resurface, the happiness of others is sometimes too much to bear, and the depression senses your weakness and grabs you by the neck and shakes you until you fall, limp, to the ground. I realize now that this is my life…every few months this is going to happen to me. It isn’t easy to go through alone, but I would never ask someone to have to go through it with me. So I am still figuring everything out. Living with this, this THING…I never invited it, but here it is. I guess I have to make room for it.

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Hello, Friends!

Just wanted to pop in and say that I am still alive and bumping around! I’ve been quite busy with work and life things. My depression is completely manageable right now, which is wonderful. Since going off the medications I felt were superfluous, I’ve felt much better and have lost about 10 pounds.

I am dealing with some other health issues involving my kidneys and stomach, which are unfortunate and a pain. I’m still in the middle of testing and stuff, so I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m hoping the stomach thing is just some sort of infection that can be handled with a round of antibiotics. The kidney thing is weird…the technical term is chronic kidney disease stage 3, but that’s really just something they put down so insurance knows how to cover it. Basically one or both of my kidneys isn’t working at full capacity and we’re not really sure why. I’m not in any danger and I have a feeling it’s related to my past kidney infection (ugh, remember that?) and my overuse of OTC painkillers (thanks, headaches and roller derby).

Right now I’m getting ready for the holidays. I’m not decorating this year — giving myself a break. Just buying gifts for the people and children I love, and taking my mom to the city to see “A Christmas Story” on Broadway. I’m taking a once a week roller fitness class, which is fun (but very difficult to get up for in the morning — Sundays at 9:30am and it’s an hour away)! I remain close with my old roller derby team and remain thankful for the derby community and all the friends I’ve made through it.

So…that’s my story so far. How are you guys doing?


How Pamie Became an Urban Legend

You have to read Pamie’s latest. You will cringe, throw up in your mouth a little, and laugh your ass off.

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Me, Again

I started a “roller fitness” class yesterday. Getting back on skates did wonders for my mood, although my muscles are killing me today. Overall lately I’ve been feeling good. I got through Hurricane Sandy with minimal damage (lost power for a few days, was frightened out of my wits during the storm). My office was closed for a week but today I am back to work and things are pretty much back to normal for me. So far, so good…

If you want to help with relief efforts from the storm, please click here to donate to the Red Cross. So many people have lost so much.



You guys, I am feeling better. :)  Still working through some things, but definitely better. I am off a lot of the meds I was on and I think it’s made a big difference. Therapy is going well and intense at times. Work is not great and still quite stressful, but so far I am handling it the best I can. Last night I saw old friends and made new ones and felt like myself for the first time in a long while. I may also have found a place to skate once a week, drama- and competition-free.

Of course, Tuesday I have an endoscopy scheduled. Good times.

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Been feeling mentally okay, physically terrible.

Today, though, I feel the depression trying to push back in. Triggered by some crap behavior from someone, which reminded me a of a lot more crap behavior from others, which reminded me how I let people walk all over me. Really sad and angry right now and feeling an odd need to write a tell-all book, ha ha.

This person called me a “victim.” Fuck yes, I am a victim. I am also guilty of not-so-great behavior. I own up to that. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have owned up to them in person, in therapy, and in my head. If I come across as a perpetual victim, well, that’s never been my intent. But let’s not pretend life has been all lollipops and unicorns for me lately, either. Depression can make you feel like a victim…but it can also make it very easy for other people to manipulate you into feeling the emotions they want you to feel.

So anyway, I know some people are reading this and thinking this post is about them. First off, you’re so vain. Secondly, I completely understand that I can’t blame all of my behavior on depression. What’s your excuse?

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About that Roller Derby Thing

I’m sad to tell you that I’ve left the Jerzey Derby Brigade. There’s no need to get into details. I’ve spoken to the people I needed to speak to, thought about things a lot, and it basically came down to — am I having fun anymore? The truth is I was having fun, but other, more negative things were outweighing the fun. And when it’s just really a hobby, what is the point of staying?

I feel like I’ve broken up with all my relationships at the same time. My heart hurts and I feel everyone is going on without me — which they are, and they should. I wish the team nothing but the best, and I hope some things get straightened out and I hope the good things keep going. I am super-proud of all the fresh meat I’ve watched and help progress. I hope they don’t forget about me. I won’t forget about them.

My JDB sisters will always be my sisters. Right now I need a break from the stress and everything that comes along with it. My biggest fear is that when I am ready to skate again, I will have nowhere to go. I haven’t taken a leave of absence — I’ve left and unless some big changes happen (both there and in my head), I will stay gone.

So I guess for now, I am a retired skater. The truth is, folks, I never was that great of a skater. I was okay, and without this crippling depression and wonky kneecap I could have been much better. But as my friend Jon told me the other day, “You have nothing to be ashamed of — you did what you set out to do and maybe it’s time to find something new.” Right now I’m still healing and just hoping that my JDB sisters don’t think less of me. I don’t really know what they were told about my leaving or if they were told anything. It’s okay. I am always here to talk to them and anyone. I did leave with some disappointment, but that was more personal than team-related.

I worked hard, tried to do right by my team, and I hope they appreciated it as much as I appreciated them. They welcomed me with open arms when I came to them two years ago. I hope they continue to do the same for others.

I had to put all my gear in the garage because I can’t look at it without crying. I know that will pass with time and perhaps I’ll be ready in time to drop in on another team’s practice and see if this is something I want to continue doing. In the meantime, I still have my memories and my jacked-up knees. Not many people my age can say they wanted to play roller derby and then went ahead and did it. So I do have something to be proud of. Maybe it’s over…maybe it’s not. :)

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Still Ill

The worst of the Cymbalta withdrawal appears to be over. No more dizziness or brain zaps or all that. But now I’m plagued with this constant nausea. I can’t keep anything down, aside from frozen yogurt or rice pudding. Rarely I can eat something a little more substantial but not often. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Not sure where it’s coming from. Could be anything. I’m taking Lexapro now; back to basics. I feel like I’m getting all these toxins out of my body. I really hope this works for me.

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