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I just got back from getting a long-overdue physic…

I just got back from getting a long-overdue physical. Of course, I have to wait until the bloodwork and EKG come back, but I seem to be pretty healthy, which is always a relief. I always dread getting blood taken, because my veins tend to collapse. If the person drawing the blood is inexperienced, I can always count on a lot of pain, a lot of frustration, and a lot of bruising. So today, my vampire was a rather large man who sort of resembled Biz Markie, except he didn’t look as, uh, special as Mr. Markie usually does.

Anyhoo, he comes busting into the room and he’s all sweaty, wiping his brow and saying, “Sorry I made you wait, damn, that last guy, I had so much trouble getting a vein, dude, you have no idea. It was my very first patient, no one told me it was going to be this hard.” I just looked at him, slightly startled, and he laughed and said, “HA! I’M JUST PLAYIN’!” Har. Very funny. I said, “Well, good luck with me, my veins like to collapse,” and he said, “I can do it.” So, after a bunch of slightly painful sticks into my left arm (where he also chided me for watching him slide the needle around – “You ain’t supposed to WATCH”), he dove into my right arm, gleefully exclaiming, “If this one doesn’t work, me and someone are gonna FIGHT.” I asked, “Are you going to fight me? Because I haven’t had coffee yet,” and he said, “I am going to beat your vein.” No one has ever offered to beat up my own veins before. How gallant. Then he said, “Okay now, will your blood to come out. Come on blood, come on blood.” And lo and behold, it worked. He filled up two vials, slapped on a band-aid and said, “First of all, see, all you have to do is ASK your blood to come out easy. Also? Don’t ever let people even try to take blood from your left arm anymore.”

So that was MY morning.