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Neglectful

Sorry I’ve been neglecting you guys lately. Life has gotten in the way. Work is, well, work, and derby takes up a lot of my other time. I gotta be honest and say I’ve been having a really hard time with derby lately. My skills have taken a nosedive and so has my courage and drive. Everything seems so hard. When I skate, I’m in physical pain. It shoots down my shins into my ankles until I want to just wail. I don’t know if I need a break, or what, but it’s become more stress than fun, so I have to figure out something. For now, I’ve dropped down a level to give myself somewhat of a break, but I find myself embarrassed to be there. Which, I know logically, is ridiculous. I need to do what I can, how I can, when I can.

I need to find the love of the sport again. If you have any advice, let me know, because I need to hear it. I can’t imagine my life without roller derby, but I also can’t imagine continuing to put myself under this amount of pressure week in and week out.

As for other things…I saw my doctor the other day and she thinks I am “overmedicated.” She is not the first person to describe me as “flat” and “depressed.” I agree with her. The next time I see my psychiatrist I am going to start weaning off one of my medications. I’m not taking no for an answer on this one. I’m also suspicious (and my doctor agrees) that this medication has caused a significant weight gain. I have struggled with weight my entire life, and putting on a bunch of extra seemingly overnight — weight that won’t go away, with nearly seven hours of exercise per week plus dieting — has done disastrous damage to my self-esteem.

I am not as bad off as I was before, but I’m struggling in a very different way. I’m starting to see the side effects of all the medication I’ve had to take, and it’s not pretty. Would I do things differently? I don’t know. The medication saved my life; I know this. But it came at a cost, and now I’m paying.