Hey, I’m still here. Just wanted to check in real quick. According to x-rays, my break/fracture is 75% healed. I’m down to one crutch, and I went back to work this week. It’s exhausting and when I come home each night, I’m in some pain. But it’s all part of the process. I probably won’t be skating until late summer, but I really won’t know until I start physical therapy. I should find out when PT starts after my next visit to the ortho in a few weeks.
My roller derby team’s home opener is on April 20th. If you’re local, come by. Here are the deets. I’m really excited about the junior roller derby bout at halftime!!
Hey, all. I’m still on crutches. Feeling better but still having a lot of pain at night. It’s screwing with my sleep schedule to the point where sometimes I don’t sleep at all. I have another doctor appointment next week to check on my healing. At my last appointment he told me I might be skating again by summer but probably not “competitively,” meaning probably no contact. I guess we’ll see how it goes. It feels like forever.
I’ve been working at home and taking it easy. Every few days I kind of go insane and have a little bit of a breakdown. I can’t really go anywhere unless I’m with someone else, or unless I go somewhere where I can park right in front of the building and I don’t have to carry anything in or out. Which limits my options tremendously. Feeling helpless is not something I do well.
Last week I hauled my broken body to an open scrimmage at our rink so I could be social and enjoy some derby. It was really nice to see everyone and I love watching the game, but it was also bittersweet. I wanted so badly to be out there playing, even though there were so many talented women there, they would have kicked my ass! I don’t care, I just want to be part of it. But just watching helps me learn, and I was able to answer some questions for some newer girls who were also on the sidelines.
My parents are doing so much for me, it’s ridiculous. There’s no way to thank them enough. And Long Legs is my little buddy now that I’m home constantly. We have a routine and we hang, and his little heart will break once I am able to go back to the office, I fear.
Not much else is new, obviously. Since I’m home ALL THE TIME, I’ve been working my way through good old Melrose Place on Netflix. Wow, I forgot what a shitshow it turned into in the later seasons. Yikes. I may have to jump ship soon and move on to American Horror Story Season 1.
Oh! Here is my roller derby photo for 2013:
Might as well have fun with it, right? I hope I’m not coming across as too whiny. I’m thankful I didn’t need surgery, I’m thankful my injury wasn’t worse. And hey — my headaches are way better since I started taking magnesium supplements! I guess the universe likes to keep me balanced, ha ha.
Well, it turns out my ankle isn’t just sprained — it’s fractured. And because I’m awesome, I fractured it in such a way that the doctor just can’t boot it or cast it. I need to stay off it for six more weeks. Crutches and a soft cast for me. Being nearly immobile is driving me batshit. I’m still in considerable pain and the doc wants me resting (on my back, foot raised) as much as possible. Obviously work makes this very difficult, but I can work at home and take breaks. I don’t really have a choice.
Hoping once the pain abates, I can try driving, since the injury is to my left ankle and I have an automatic. And find someone to go with me everywhere to help me carry things :)
I can’t even think about skating right now. It makes me too sad.
My return to roller derby has not progressed the way I had hoped. A bad case of bronchitis caused me to miss two practices, then a snowstorm closed the rink this past Friday. I was practically out of my mind with excitement to get back to practice on Sunday. I got there early to suit up. Even though I was still suffering from the after-effects of my bronchitis, I knew to do just what I could and not push it too hard. I just wanted to be on skates again.
I did my warm up laps, worked on a few stops, and then we did a partner paceline. No problems. After that we did some fast footwork that actually caused me to have an asthma attack. Boo. But I got through it and jumped back in for the next drill, which was a one-on-one jammer/blocker drill.
After about my fifth time through the drill, I lost my balance at the end and took a fall. And I couldn’t get up. I had rolled my ankle and holy shit it hurt. I tried to get up but realized I couldn’t put any weight on it at all. One of the refs came over and said, “Yeah, I saw you fall and your ankle went all weird.”
I figured I’d just ice it for a while and then go home. Long story short, I ended up the ER because the pain was just unbearable. Once I took my sock off, my ankle looked like a baseball! After x-rays, they determined it’s just a bad sprain. I’m thankful it’s not broken but man, this is some serious pain. I have no painkillers and I just can’t escape it. I didn’t sleep last night. And every time I think about the time I will have to spend away from derby — after just coming back! — to heal, I get all weepy and upset. But of course I’ll go back. My derby family is so good to me. My teammate River Slam and one of our refs, Andy, accompanied me to the ER and then my teammate Kim drove over when she found out I was there. They stayed with me until my mom got there and kept me laughing. This sport owns my heart, even though it’s trying to destroy my body.
Just wanted to pop in and say that I am still alive and bumping around! I’ve been quite busy with work and life things. My depression is completely manageable right now, which is wonderful. Since going off the medications I felt were superfluous, I’ve felt much better and have lost about 10 pounds.
I am dealing with some other health issues involving my kidneys and stomach, which are unfortunate and a pain. I’m still in the middle of testing and stuff, so I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m hoping the stomach thing is just some sort of infection that can be handled with a round of antibiotics. The kidney thing is weird…the technical term is chronic kidney disease stage 3, but that’s really just something they put down so insurance knows how to cover it. Basically one or both of my kidneys isn’t working at full capacity and we’re not really sure why. I’m not in any danger and I have a feeling it’s related to my past kidney infection (ugh, remember that?) and my overuse of OTC painkillers (thanks, headaches and roller derby).
Right now I’m getting ready for the holidays. I’m not decorating this year — giving myself a break. Just buying gifts for the people and children I love, and taking my mom to the city to see “A Christmas Story” on Broadway. I’m taking a once a week roller fitness class, which is fun (but very difficult to get up for in the morning — Sundays at 9:30am and it’s an hour away)! I remain close with my old roller derby team and remain thankful for the derby community and all the friends I’ve made through it.
So…that’s my story so far. How are you guys doing?
Sorry I’ve been neglecting you guys lately. Life has gotten in the way. Work is, well, work, and derby takes up a lot of my other time. I gotta be honest and say I’ve been having a really hard time with derby lately. My skills have taken a nosedive and so has my courage and drive. Everything seems so hard. When I skate, I’m in physical pain. It shoots down my shins into my ankles until I want to just wail. I don’t know if I need a break, or what, but it’s become more stress than fun, so I have to figure out something. For now, I’ve dropped down a level to give myself somewhat of a break, but I find myself embarrassed to be there. Which, I know logically, is ridiculous. I need to do what I can, how I can, when I can.
I need to find the love of the sport again. If you have any advice, let me know, because I need to hear it. I can’t imagine my life without roller derby, but I also can’t imagine continuing to put myself under this amount of pressure week in and week out.
As for other things…I saw my doctor the other day and she thinks I am “overmedicated.” She is not the first person to describe me as “flat” and “depressed.” I agree with her. The next time I see my psychiatrist I am going to start weaning off one of my medications. I’m not taking no for an answer on this one. I’m also suspicious (and my doctor agrees) that this medication has caused a significant weight gain. I have struggled with weight my entire life, and putting on a bunch of extra seemingly overnight — weight that won’t go away, with nearly seven hours of exercise per week plus dieting — has done disastrous damage to my self-esteem.
I am not as bad off as I was before, but I’m struggling in a very different way. I’m starting to see the side effects of all the medication I’ve had to take, and it’s not pretty. Would I do things differently? I don’t know. The medication saved my life; I know this. But it came at a cost, and now I’m paying.
So, I’m back in the thick of things with roller derby. I’m officially part of The Major Pains now, and we’re prepping for our first inter-league bout in September. We have four practices per week, two mandatory and two optional/makeup. The optionals are at an outdoor rink, and I probably don’t have to tell you that it’s been HOT AS BALLS the past few weeks.
Anyway, the past few practices have been hell on my body! As they say, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I have been pushing myself as hard as I can, to see how far my body can go. I think I’ve finally pushed too hard. At outdoor last week, the oppressive heat made my asthma act up and I had symptoms of heat exhaustion for the next few days. Then, at last Friday’s practice, about halfway through, my calf muscles seized up, leaving me with double charley horses/spasms, writhing on the floor in pain. Of course five minutes later, after the spasms passed, I was able to go back out again. But my calves are still sore, days later.
When I quit smoking years ago, I had this weird thing where I woke up every single morning between 3:00 and 5:00am. I talked to the friend who helped me quit (she does acupuncture/eastern medicine), and she told me about the Chinese Body Clock.
This theory is that your Qi (energy) has a peak time where it flows through each organ, each organ being a meridian in your body. In 24 hours, each meridian gets 2 hours of peak flow. Supposedly it affects you physically AND emotionally.
It was interesting to find that the meridian between 3:00 and 5:00am is the lungs. Obviously the physical link is the detoxing from smoking. The lung’s emotional link is grief. Possible I was grieving the loss of my favorite habit?
Now, as you know, I still suffer from insomnia. Lately, though, when I do sleep, I always wake up now between 1:00 and 3:00am. So I looked that up on the Chinese Body Clock and guess what — it’s the liver. Interesting in several ways, as I am taking a higher dosage of medication (which metabolizes in the liver) and I’ve cut down a little bit on my alcohol (slightly, if we’re being honest). And the emotional meridian? Anger, frustration, and rage.
I find this fascinating. Read this for more.