Derby Life « freakgirl.com

28Jan/1210

Neglectful

Sorry I’ve been neglecting you guys lately. Life has gotten in the way. Work is, well, work, and derby takes up a lot of my other time. I gotta be honest and say I’ve been having a really hard time with derby lately. My skills have taken a nosedive and so has my courage and drive. Everything seems so hard. When I skate, I’m in physical pain. It shoots down my shins into my ankles until I want to just wail. I don’t know if I need a break, or what, but it’s become more stress than fun, so I have to figure out something. For now, I’ve dropped down a level to give myself somewhat of a break, but I find myself embarrassed to be there. Which, I know logically, is ridiculous. I need to do what I can, how I can, when I can.

I need to find the love of the sport again. If you have any advice, let me know, because I need to hear it. I can’t imagine my life without roller derby, but I also can’t imagine continuing to put myself under this amount of pressure week in and week out.

As for other things…I saw my doctor the other day and she thinks I am “overmedicated.” She is not the first person to describe me as “flat” and “depressed.” I agree with her. The next time I see my psychiatrist I am going to start weaning off one of my medications. I’m not taking no for an answer on this one. I’m also suspicious (and my doctor agrees) that this medication has caused a significant weight gain. I have struggled with weight my entire life, and putting on a bunch of extra seemingly overnight — weight that won’t go away, with nearly seven hours of exercise per week plus dieting — has done disastrous damage to my self-esteem.

I am not as bad off as I was before, but I’m struggling in a very different way. I’m starting to see the side effects of all the medication I’ve had to take, and it’s not pretty. Would I do things differently? I don’t know. The medication saved my life; I know this. But it came at a cost, and now I’m paying.

Filed under: Depression, Derby Life, Health 10 Comments

3Jan/122

Here We Go

So, another year begins. I really hope 2012 is better than last year — for me, for my family, for you, for everyone. 2011 was fucked up. This year I hope to get a handle on my depression. One thing I need to remember, and that I’ve learned from The Bloggess, is that depression lies to you. It tells you bad things, things that aren’t true, things that will hurt you down to your core. I have to remember that those feelings are real, but they’re not TRUE. Do you know what I mean?

This year I hope to improve my skating, although it is getting more difficult each year. I’m really starting to feel my age. Today I went back to boot camp in an effort to improve my fitness level and to lose some much-needed weight. Right now I’m so sore I’m kind of embarrassed.

I also hope to stay more connected to my friends this year, as well as make new connections in my life. I need a new adventure, one that I hope will lead me to what I’ve been looking for.

What do you hope for this year?

Filed under: Boot Camp, Depression, Derby Life 2 Comments

29Nov/11Off

Call Me Gimpy

Our last bout of the season was the 19th. We lost, but it was a great game. I’m a wreck during bouts; so scared I’m going to do the wrong thing or have an asthma attack or screw up or something. I did okay, mostly, although I have to learn to be more aggressive out there. I have some skills I still need to work on, like agility and hipchecks.

Anyway, during our Friday night practice we scrimmaged without skates (“sock derby”) so that nobody would twist a knee or anything for the Saturday night bout. Unfortunately, someone stomped on my foot in the pack. I thought nothing of it other than it was a little sore.

Then, Saturday night after the afterparty, I was home taking a shower and washing off the glitter, and saw that my entire foot was bruised and swollen. So I’ve been hobbling around in a soft cast for a week and a half now, and will be getting x-rayed next week to see if it’s fractured. I missed the last two practices of the season :( However, we’re on break for the month of December, so if I’m going to be injured, now’s the time, I suppose.

It’s been a year since I’ve joined the Jerzey Derby Brigade. I’ve been through a lot with these girls, and they’ve held me up every step of the way. I’m so lucky to have them. Can’t wait for the 2012 season.

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18Nov/11Off