Just a quick note to wish you a happy holiday. I’ve spent the past week feverishly wrapping gifts and baking cookies. Last night I made a cake that I certainly hope tastes as amazing as it looks.
It’s a burnt sugar bundt cake with rum caramel frosting, topped with burnt sugar shards, from the BAKED cookbook.
I’ve been keeping my anxiety at bay with medication, although I had a breakthrough panic attack at the grocery store yesterday, which was not pleasant. Managed to keep my shit together until I got to the car. I’m off work until after the New Year, and am hoping to get in some relaxation and have made some plans to catch up with some friends I haven’t seen in a while.
This past Friday I put on my skates for the first time in a while and skated in an open scrimmage. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of talent that showed up and was extremely intimidated. However, I held my own and — for someone that hadn’t played derby since late summer — I think I did okay. I made some screw-ups for sure, but I also felt the opposing jammer slam into my back several times, so I know my blocking is still up to par when I am working, listening and responding. My asthma still makes it difficult and my brain didn’t feel as sharp as it should have been. However, it felt like home and the next day I felt quite sad that I don’t play anymore.
Today is Christmas Eve and later I am headed to my folks to celebrate with family friends — lots of fattening food and spirits. I’m psyched with all the gifts I chose this year and hope everyone is happy with them.
Thank you to all of you, once again, for being my rocks this year, my steadfast support and cheerleaders. Although I don’t blog as much as I used to, we’re all still a weird little family here at freakgirl.com, and I wish you all a wonderful 2013.
And, just like that, the depression has crept up on me and attached itself like a monkey to my back. It started with a series of small anxiety attacks over the past week or so — manageable. Then, it worked up over the past few days to constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach, small unstoppable squirts of tears and then the shocking one-two punch of doubled-over, overwhelming grief. I’m typing these words with tears running down my face and writing these words is the only thing stopping me from losing my shit completely. I’ve been sobbing on and off for several days. Everything is setting me off. My job stress has become overwhelming. I feel like I’m being asked to do unreasonable amounts of work, work resulting from the fuckups of other people. I don’t feel that my new boss is advocating for me in any way. I feel alone and confused. I’m working my ass off and it just keeps coming. And it’s because others aren’t doing their jobs correctly. Sorry, too much venting.
And even giving myself a break during the holidays — it’s still difficult. Still things to do, still so much happiness to watch on television, online, all around me. All reminders that, at the end of the day, I am alone. Listen, I don’t need a man in my life to define me or my well-being, but I do want a partner. And it is so hard not having one. Especially at this age. I just feel like I’m floating along waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
This time of year, old hurts resurface, the happiness of others is sometimes too much to bear, and the depression senses your weakness and grabs you by the neck and shakes you until you fall, limp, to the ground. I realize now that this is my life…every few months this is going to happen to me. It isn’t easy to go through alone, but I would never ask someone to have to go through it with me. So I am still figuring everything out. Living with this, this THING…I never invited it, but here it is. I guess I have to make room for it.
Just wanted to pop in and say that I am still alive and bumping around! I’ve been quite busy with work and life things. My depression is completely manageable right now, which is wonderful. Since going off the medications I felt were superfluous, I’ve felt much better and have lost about 10 pounds.
I am dealing with some other health issues involving my kidneys and stomach, which are unfortunate and a pain. I’m still in the middle of testing and stuff, so I don’t really know what’s going on. I’m hoping the stomach thing is just some sort of infection that can be handled with a round of antibiotics. The kidney thing is weird…the technical term is chronic kidney disease stage 3, but that’s really just something they put down so insurance knows how to cover it. Basically one or both of my kidneys isn’t working at full capacity and we’re not really sure why. I’m not in any danger and I have a feeling it’s related to my past kidney infection (ugh, remember that?) and my overuse of OTC painkillers (thanks, headaches and roller derby).
Right now I’m getting ready for the holidays. I’m not decorating this year — giving myself a break. Just buying gifts for the people and children I love, and taking my mom to the city to see “A Christmas Story” on Broadway. I’m taking a once a week roller fitness class, which is fun (but very difficult to get up for in the morning — Sundays at 9:30am and it’s an hour away)! I remain close with my old roller derby team and remain thankful for the derby community and all the friends I’ve made through it.
So…that’s my story so far. How are you guys doing?
I started a “roller fitness” class yesterday. Getting back on skates did wonders for my mood, although my muscles are killing me today. Overall lately I’ve been feeling good. I got through Hurricane Sandy with minimal damage (lost power for a few days, was frightened out of my wits during the storm). My office was closed for a week but today I am back to work and things are pretty much back to normal for me. So far, so good…
If you want to help with relief efforts from the storm, please click here to donate to the Red Cross. So many people have lost so much.
You guys, I am feeling better. :) Still working through some things, but definitely better. I am off a lot of the meds I was on and I think it’s made a big difference. Therapy is going well and intense at times. Work is not great and still quite stressful, but so far I am handling it the best I can. Last night I saw old friends and made new ones and felt like myself for the first time in a long while. I may also have found a place to skate once a week, drama- and competition-free.
Of course, Tuesday I have an endoscopy scheduled. Good times.
Been feeling mentally okay, physically terrible.
Today, though, I feel the depression trying to push back in. Triggered by some crap behavior from someone, which reminded me a of a lot more crap behavior from others, which reminded me how I let people walk all over me. Really sad and angry right now and feeling an odd need to write a tell-all book, ha ha.
This person called me a “victim.” Fuck yes, I am a victim. I am also guilty of not-so-great behavior. I own up to that. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have owned up to them in person, in therapy, and in my head. If I come across as a perpetual victim, well, that’s never been my intent. But let’s not pretend life has been all lollipops and unicorns for me lately, either. Depression can make you feel like a victim…but it can also make it very easy for other people to manipulate you into feeling the emotions they want you to feel.
So anyway, I know some people are reading this and thinking this post is about them. First off, you’re so vain. Secondly, I completely understand that I can’t blame all of my behavior on depression. What’s your excuse?
The worst of the Cymbalta withdrawal appears to be over. No more dizziness or brain zaps or all that. But now I’m plagued with this constant nausea. I can’t keep anything down, aside from frozen yogurt or rice pudding. Rarely I can eat something a little more substantial but not often. It’s the worst feeling in the world. Not sure where it’s coming from. Could be anything. I’m taking Lexapro now; back to basics. I feel like I’m getting all these toxins out of my body. I really hope this works for me.
I think the med withdrawal is pretty much over, but I am so sick. I can’t eat anything. I get hungry, I eat, it comes back up. Every time. I’m sure it’s stress. Right now I’m sitting here trying so hard not to vomit because I have anti-anxiety meds in my stomach and I need them.
Yesterday was unbelievably high-anxiety and volatile. I won’t get into it because I’ll just go insane. Trying to find the lessons in all of this. Failing.
Oh, also, I’ve been up working since 3:00am.
I’m so angry. I’ve been angry for about two weeks but today I’m so, so angry. My therapist said I’m angry at my depression and my brain. True, but I’m also angry at the stupid idiots that surround me. I’m angry at the people that don’t give a shit. I’m angry at the people that treat me like gold one day and dog shit the next. I’m angry at the people that don’t try hard enough. I’m angry at the entitled little bitch on my roller derby team. And most of all, I’M ANGRY THAT I CARE.