Dear Freakgirl,
Let me start off by saying that I have been an avid reader of your column for quite some time. You usually hit the nail on the head and I’m hoping you can offer me some of your worldly advice.
Here’s the thing: there’s this new phenomenon known as “The Internet” which I’m sure you’ve heard of. On this “internet”, there is a site called Facebook, which you may have also heard of, since it is just beginning to gain popularity. I recently signed up for The Facebook to try to connect with some old school and work acquaintances. Well, much to my surprise, I have been receiving many friend requests from high school classmates that I was never really friends with. Not that I was enemies or on bad terms with any of these people, it’s just that back in high school most of them wouldn’t give me the time of day because I was never in any of their cliques. I wasn’t in the popular crowd, I was far from being one of the jocks, I wasn’t too much of a nerd (I think), and I didn’t do drugs like those who we referred to as “the burnouts.” Sure, I had a few varied friends in high school, but I guess I just fell into the “other” category.
Anyway, on to my question: Maybe these people have changed, but it seems like those who wouldn’t talk to me in high school are only adding me as a friend to help boost their Facebook friend status. I’d like to adopt my own Facebook policy of “friending” only people who I was actually friendly with, so without upsetting anyone, how do I politely decline their invitations while at the same time telling them to fuck off and die?
Thank you,
The Skidmark Kid
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Dear Skidmark Kid,
I refuse to entertain even a moment’s thought as to what your name may be referring to. Perhaps it has something to do with your social issues?
Nevertheless, let’s get to the advising. First off, Freakgirl is quite familiar with the internets and the Facebooks. She’s been on Facebook forever and has just been waiting for you cavemen to catch up. And look, here you all are. Freakgirl must admit that the Facebook phenomenon has brought her in touch with both good and bad memories. Luckily, the bad memories are only a “BLOCK USER” click away. Clicky clicky!
I do understand your dilemma. Many people on the Facebook just want to add as many friends as possible — for what means I’m not sure. Maybe there’s some sort of prize at the end? Although I imagine out of all these people, at least one person is planning something nefarious. Watch your back.
However, many others do just want to reconnect, for whatever reason. Some are nostalgic, some are lonely, some are just normal people looking to take fifty quizzes about what kind of car they drove 20 years ago. We can’t know everyone’s reasons for “friending” us. By the way, when did we start using “friend” as a verb? Freakgirl’s sensibilities cannot take much more of this insanity.
But we’re not here to talk about me today, are we? Let’s take a closer look at YOU, my pet. You tell of your hesitance to add friends from high school with whom you were not very close. You also tell us that you don’t want to upset anyone. Then, you tell us you’d like them to “fuck off and die.” Darling, you sound conflicted.
When it comes to matters of the Facebook, Freakgirl tends to assume all are innocent until proven guilty. When faced with a friend request — someone from the past — I try to think back. Did this person ever actively torment me, hurt me, humiliate me? If so, the request is ignored (in extreme cases, the person is blocked from ever seeing that I exist). Most people don’t even notice when I ignore their request, and I rarely hear from them again. This is the method I prefer. Honestly, though, I haven’t had much of a problem at all. And I’ve been delighted to catch up with old chums. Just because we “friend” each other doesn’t mean we have to be besties.
However, I will unfriend a person for several reasons — persecuting me with your religion, offending me with your right-wing fuckery, or disgusting me with your racist and sexist jokes. Unfriending someone gives Freakgirl a thrilling sense of godlike power. Of course, as of today, no one I’ve dumped has even noticed or cared. Typical.
Where was I? Oh, right. Kitten, just friend the people you’d like to stay in contact with and ignore those you don’t. It’s seriously just that easy. Or, if you’re feeling particularly douchey, friend them all and then spend one drunken night unfriending their stupid asses.
Now go wash your pants.
Class of 1986 RULZ,
Freakgirl
