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….And, We’re Back

And, just like that, the depression has crept up on me and attached itself like a monkey to my back. It started with a series of small anxiety attacks over the past week or so — manageable. Then, it worked up over the past few days to constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach, small unstoppable squirts of tears and then the shocking one-two punch of doubled-over, overwhelming grief. I’m typing these words with tears running down my face and writing these words is the only thing stopping me from losing my shit completely. I’ve been sobbing on and off for several days. Everything is setting me off. My job stress has become overwhelming. I feel like I’m being asked to do unreasonable amounts of work, work resulting from the fuckups of other people. I don’t feel that my new boss is advocating for me in any way. I feel alone and confused. I’m working my ass off and it just keeps coming. And it’s because others aren’t doing their jobs correctly. Sorry, too much venting.

And even giving myself a break during the holidays — it’s still difficult. Still things to do, still so much happiness to watch on television, online, all around me. All reminders that, at the end of the day, I am alone. Listen, I don’t need a man in my life to define me or my well-being, but I do want a partner. And it is so hard not having one. Especially at this age. I just feel like I’m floating along waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

This time of year, old hurts resurface, the happiness of others is sometimes too much to bear, and the depression senses your weakness and grabs you by the neck and shakes you until you fall, limp, to the ground. I realize now that this is my life…every few months this is going to happen to me. It isn’t easy to go through alone, but I would never ask someone to have to go through it with me. So I am still figuring everything out. Living with this, this THING…I never invited it, but here it is. I guess I have to make room for it.

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  1. hugs to you!

  2. “It isn’t easy to go through alone, but I would never ask someone to have to go through it with me.”

    In some small way, we are here for you, going through it with you. I know it’s not the same as a partner, but know that we are here. I wish your distributed virtual audience could be a more tangible partner for you, but sending hugs and support your way regardless!

  3. I’m with Moxie. Wish we could be a bigger help to you. We care so much!

  4. Chiming in here with Moxie and lake.. I love you to the moon and back, girl! Depression + Holidays = MAJOR SUCK. So hold on to all of us who love you. We won’t let you fall, Sweetie.

    You know how to get a hold of me if you need to.. I’m here for you.


  5. Thank you, sweethearts. It helps knowing you are all out there…I don’t even know what I’ve done to deserve you, but thank you <3

  6. Not to be all Allison DuBois or anything, but I think I saw this coming. It seems like your posts and stuff have been tinged with a little extra anxiety lately. Also, it seems like my own depression and anxiety cycles mirror yours a little bit, so I wonder almost if it’s seasonal or moon related or some other shit.

    Anyway – you have been on my mind a lot, even before I saw this post. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I know firsthand how debilitating and frustrating it is. You should know, though, that I have learned how to deal with my depression and accept it for what it is largely through YOU and your experiences that you’ve shared. I’m so grateful to you for being so open about what is unfortunately such a taboo subject. I have no doubt you’ve helped countless people who have stumbled upon your site, just trying to figure out what the fuck is going on inside their heads. I hope that brings you some small measure of comfort.

    The holidays can be such a bitch. Even when things are going WELL, it’s just coconuts – all the chaos and all the expectations and all the cheer in your face. This has been a shit month for me, with my broken leg and all of that, as you know. I’m really looking forward to closing the door on 2012, for reals. I really, really wish we didn’t have a dozen states between us. I would love to come over with ice cream and Snuggies and just sit in your bed with you watching TV. I get so overwhelmed with anxiety by the notion of getting ready and making plans and going out into the world. It is so restorative and uplifting, for me anyway, when I have someone I trust and love who will come over and not give a shit if I’m stanky and braless, who will just chill with me and not make me feel guilty for wanting to hibernate.

    Feel better soon – you know this will turn around. xoxo

  7. Thank you, Laura. I know it’s been so tough for you lately. Keep the faith.

  8. Work seems like a really big trigger for you here. I know the feeling of having that work pressure over your head. I really do. Maybe in 2013 you can start to think of a new plan for yourself work wise? Won’t happen over night, but if you stay strong enough and focused, a new gig will come around and give you a little boost.

    Holidays magnify everything and I can tell you that obviously you have people in your life that love and care about you…and even if you had a partner in crime right now, that may not even be the answer. I’ve found myself feeling alone and creeped out at myself and I have a huge family, kids and a husband (and pets).

    I think it all comes from within. Love yourself, believe in yourself and carry on your life with pride and confidence as much as possible. This is YOUR life and we really only get one. I hate that your brain keeps going back to this shitty place (I hate anyone’s brain that does this to them). Speaking just from my experience here, but I made some pretty stupid mistakes about some major things in my life and my brain still reminds me of them, killing my confidence and makes me doubt any future decision I make. That, compounded with “hey, I’m not getting any younger and life is flying by” makes me worry that I’ll be stuck and feeling like this when I’m super old and it freaks me out. I try like hell every day just to let that past go and trust and believe in myself again and ignore that anxiety that tries to bury my head in the sand most days.

    I know everyone that can relate to you has a story to share and that’s mine- in effort to help you see different perspectives and help you with your own.

    Sounds hokey, but you are loved and you should love yourself and have no regrets about your life and where it is today. If work sucks, change it. Once you let it go for real, the rest of the stuff you want out of life will follow.

    XOXO under the Mistletoe,

  9. Thanks, Carla. I do know that having a partner wouldn’t relieve my depression. But sometimes it lightens the load. Working with my therapist has at least given me an understanding of why my brain goes to the places it goes, and why I react so strongly to certain triggers. But then there are things that are strictly chemical and I have no control over them. And those are the scariest things.

    Someone I was once close to told me that people were tired of listening to my shit. This “shit” is part of my therapy. And when people like Laura tell me that my “shit” has helped them deal with their own, then I know I have made the right decision in sharing my experience. I don’t do this for selfish reasons. I put myself out here, practically naked, in the hopes that just one person doesn’t feel alone. And yes, okay, maybe, it is selfish, because when I reach out, I know you all will reach back with your own stories and it helps me feel less alone.

    As for work, I am looking for new opportunities. And I am learning to say “no” to impossible requests. I pride myself on being the person at work that goes above and beyond. Sometimes that bites me in the ass. I have been very lucky the past couple of years to have incredible, supportive managers. Unfortunately, they have both left the company. So I need to re-establish my own boundaries and protect myself and my co-worker (we are the only two left from an original team of five, still doing the same amount of work with more added).

    XOXO to you, too. Thank you so much for supporting me all these years. I hope I have brought you the same happiness you and your family have always brought to me.

  10. Whoever told you that people were tired of listening to your shit is, well, SHITTY.. and I’m glad you are no longer close to them.

    This is why we’re here and why we have each other. We listen to each other’s shit and we HELP each other deal with our respective shits.

    So shit away, sweetheart. I promise that I will never grow tired of you OR your shit.. You are one of the dearest people in my life.

    (I mean every single word of that.. AND I just wanted to see how many times I could use the word “shit” in one post! Because sometimes I am a 10 year old boy trapped in a 50 year old girl’s body. HEHEHEHHHEE!)

  11. shit shit shit shit SHIT!!! :)

  12. You are definitely not alone and never will be, so long as I and your many, many other friends and supporters are around!

    As for work, don’t feel alone in the unreasonable demands = unbearable pressure. One of the content contractors — one of the best ones, I might add — totally cracked today and had to be taken home by her husband. She probably won’t be coming back. I tell you this just so you know it isn’t just a case of you can’t “take it,” which may be what your brain is shouting at you. It really IS that bad right now.

  13. Oh no. That is horrible, horrible, horrible to hear. Poor thing.

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