A HELP-mate? You Must Be Joking.
Monday, May 19, 2008 at 08:53amThe geekboy and I went to a wedding this weekend. A cousin of his got married; very nice people, although it must be said that we’re not very close. In fact, other than this wedding, my guess is that we won’t see them again until somebody dies. The ceremony and reception were held in the same place, and we heard that the original ceremony officiant suffered a stroke earlier in the week and would be replaced by someone else.
The ceremony began and it seemed quite traditional and customary. However, it soon veered into a weird place that left me biting the insides of my cheeks, the geekboy snickering and the bridesmaids openly laughing. Perhaps it’s because I’m not religious (and neither are the bride and groom, from what I know) and I’m not familiar with this kind of phrasing. But when this guy started blathering on about woman being created because Adam was bored and lonely? I remembered why I stopped going to church. And then he started talking about how Eve was created because Adam needed a “helpmate.” A HELPMATE? What the hell is that? And that the bride would now be the groom’s helpmate. As this man read it, it seems that the pinnacle of a woman’s existence is to marry a man and become his helpmate. He never mentioned a word about the man being the woman’s helpmate. Do you see the steam coming out of my ears yet? And don’t even get me started on the assumption that a woman’s ultimate goal is to get married, because I’ll be here all day screaming at you.
So, after the whole “helpmate” thing, the vows started. And that bride stood up there and, with a straight face, agreed that she would RESPECT her husband for the rest of their lives. The groom was asked to make no such promise. Around this time I poked the geekboy in the kidneys. Then, it was over, the minister pronounced them married and exclaimed to the groom, “And now I present you your wife!”
Really, just ugh. It made me think about how many people just parrot the words of the bible and never really take the time to think about what those words mean. And, honestly, I’m not judging the bride or groom — this guy was a last-minute replacement and they just wanted to get married and have a party. But I felt grateful that the geekboy and I were able to have the wedding we wanted, officiated by a friend who gave us an unforgettable and unique ceremony.
Later on, the World’s Worst DJ “blessed” our dinner by telling us we should all keep in mind that while we’re about to feast, there are a lot of people in the world who are starving to death. Um, thanks, Debbie Downer. Just shut up and play The Chicken Dance again. Which, by the way, caused the bride to hilariously sweep past us shouting, “WHO THE HELL TOLD HIM TO PLAY THIS SHIT?”
Near the end of the evening, the geekboy and I shared a cigar. I checked with Maggie and Michael, my expert advisers on just about everything, and they said the cigar wasn’t cheating. I also got to take home the table centerpiece, which was a nice wrought-iron candleholder, so score.
charlsa on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 9:48 am
FG-
Translating from the Hebrew directly, the original text does not really mean what that guy said it means. The hebrew word for “helper” can’t be accurately described in english, and it DOES NOT suggest a subordinate role. it really means something more like an “indispensable companion.” Also, translating from Hebrew, the bible does not say that man was bored and lonely, so God created Eve, like she was some afterthought or something. She was part of the plan all along.
Just so you know, not all of us Christians believe in this narrow-minded interpretation of Genesis 1 you heard at that wedding.
So you may not care, but I just wanted you to know that not all religious folks think women are less than men. i would never be with a man that thinks that and i have little respect for people who choose to live in that mindset. i have to say, sadly, that is more common with christians than not. but it doesn’t mean that’s what the bible says. people like to interpret the bible to make it say what they want, not what the original language says.
just wanted to give you an alternative view.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 9:58 am
charlsa, sorry, my intent wasn’t to say that every Christian believes those words to be true. It was the interpretation of this particular minister, the way he was presenting the words. I looked up “helpmate” earlier and found the same thing you’re talking about — how the translation isn’t really accurate.
Susie on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 9:59 am
Heh. I have friends who conducted their own ceremony for their wedding, but in order to make the whole thing legal, they went to city hall the day before. The Justice of the Peace kept trying to romance it up, but my friends were determined to make this part simply a technicality, so they went in jeans, no flowers or friends, etc. At the end, the judge was waiting for them to kiss, but they didn’t. So he mimed a little smooching thing, to which they replied “uh, no thanks.” The guy thought they were nuts.
I confess that I have a major bias against cookie-cutter weddings. I don’t have a problem with ritual per se — hell, the whole concept of a wedding is all about that shit. But give it a little thought before you let others speak for you. Of course, our best man was a woman, and we were married by a gay priest and a hypnotist rabbi, so our whole wedding was kind of based on the idea of embracing the traditions that feel meaningful and dumping the rest.
Seriously, though? If someone had dared ask me to say that stuff, I honestly don’t think I could have gone through with it. I always figure that kind of crap is obsolete, but then I remember that I just live in a very liberal area. Thinking about this stuff makes me itchy.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 10:06 am
I confess that I have a major bias against cookie-cutter weddings. I don’t have a problem with ritual per se — hell, the whole concept of a wedding is all about that shit. But give it a little thought before you let others speak for you.
Truer words were never spoken. Many people feel their wedding day is the most important in their lives — why would you just let some stranger speak their truth instead of yours?
Your gay priest/hypnotist rabbi combo totally beats our Jewish American Atheist!
Michael on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 10:13 am
Your gay priest/hypnotist rabbi combo totally beats our Jewish American Atheist!
I really need to get with you two to discuss contacts before I get married. I’d have everything I need, except maybe a witchy lesbian, but you can’t throw a stick without hitting one of those, right?
As for women being subordinate in the Bible, the “help-mate” translation may be faulty, but I think it’s still protocol that should you find on your wedding night that your wife isn’t a virgin, you get to stone her.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 10:28 am
mmmm, stoned.
Susie on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 10:37 am
Susie on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 10:39 am
Ha. I was just writing “Or get stoned with her,” but you beat me to the punch.
mindy on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I will never marry anyone who doesn’t agree that the “Short, SHORT version” of the wedding ceremony from “Spaceballs” is the perfect way to start a life together.
Greater Czarina on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Michael, I can vouch for the Atheist officiant being ready, willing, and able whenever you are.
Michael on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Awww, thanks! Bob willing, it’ll happen one day.
charlsa on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 2:49 pm
no apology needed. in fact, in honor of weddings being original and exactly what you want them to be(not some random minister deciding what should be said, my husband and i were married by my dad and we wrote our own vows. so i understand the sentiment. lately, with my friends, the whole idea of being considered “less-than” in the “christian community” has been a huge topic of discussion. and we are all disgusted. that’s why i appreciate a lot of your postings, etc, on such issues. as i have gotten older, i’ve discovered that it’s really most whys to get perspectives from all kinds of people and places, etc, before making up your mind as to what you believe in.
charlsa on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 2:50 pm
oh, um. whys=wise. what the?
Maggie on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 3:49 pm
So, am I to understand that the bride and groom did not know what the ceremony was going to entail before the wedding? Because when you told me about it, I thought it was something THEY had arranged! I misunderstood.
I loved our ceremony as well. We specifically had a non-religious officiant and all she did was facilitate and introduce us and our personal vows, which we winged (wung?). She was such a lovely person and I’m glad we found her.
Finding her was an accident…remember the horrorshow of the first officiant we met? Who upon meeting me for the first time thought it would be appropriate to say there was no such thing as Asperger’s Syndrome; instead it was how lazy parents excused their children’s bad behaviour? WHEEEE!
Walter on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 4:06 pm
As a sometimes wedding officiant, I once was called in last minute to save the day at a wedding where the minister hadn’t shown up. I usually make a point of creating a custom ceremony with the bride and groom, something based on their beliefs combined with somewhat of a traditional framework. In this case I was just called in to deliver a ceremony that was created by their prior (no-show) minister.
I usually really make a point of emphasizing that it isn’t about my beliefs, it’s what the couple believes. I was really tested on this occasion where I was basically sight-reading a ceremony that had all the most offensive biblical passages — wives submit to your husbands, etc., etc., and I had a roomful of people encouraging me all the more after each passage with very serious and vocal amens.
I bit my tongue and did my best job of a not-only sincere delivery, but I found myself responding to the amens and getting a little worked up ( there were parts that weren’t offensive to me that I really tried to put extra emphasis on). Those parts were actually fun…
Don’t judge me, I already feel dirty :-)
Maggie on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 4:15 pm
There is a group on a knitting forum I frequent called The Submissive Wifestyle. Yeah.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Ew.
Walter, it must be difficult reading someone else’s ceremony, but at least the bride and groom got what they wanted, right?
Maggie, I don’t know what kind of ceremony our bride and groom had planned with their original officiant, so I have no idea how they felt about this guy. My guess is that they were just like, “Whatever.” The bride told my MIL that she didn’t even care if they had an officiant; that they could just have the party and deal with the paperwork some other time. Heh.
Walter on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Yes, both the couple and the gathered guests seemed pretty happy with it. So in that regard it was a good thing. I couldn’t really have seen myself stopping the ceremony to say, “I just won’t do it! These beliefs are too backwards! “ but part of me wanted to do so.
Soosan on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I was at a similar wedding years ago. The 20 minute sermon made me feel certain I was on the train to hell as I am one of those who believe marriage is about loving each other and all that lovey dovey stars in your eyes. No… marriage is about serving the lord, and serving man. Also? It was a dry wedding.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:27 pm
A dry wedding? Why even HAVE a wedding? What were they, Amish?
Soosan on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Dry wedding + little bible reading skits. Yeah… um, woo.
She, at least, knew enough to sit me with her friends who are probably also on the road to hell. We made our own fun. Most of it involved taking pictures of our table # in different situations.
Now the wedding I went to last month was the best! The officiant was the best man’s boyfriend, and he was amazing. He made some analogy to marriage and lego, and gave them a recycling truck out of lego. (I forget how that worked, but at the time it made so much sense)
Walter on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:36 pm
A dry wedding? Such Philistines!
Speaking of which, it helped that I had a cocktail or two in my system when I did that ceremony (I had been pulled from the reception of a wedding I presided over about an hour earlier). This is one case where that really worked out well, it was much easier to take it in stride and say ok, whatever…. can I get an amen?!!!!
chuck on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 6:55 pm
For the record, Emilie’s father-in-law married us. He was half lit on scotch.
freakgirl on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Em’s father-in-law? Wouldn’t that be your dad?
Regardless, half lit on scotch is a great way to be.